Many have already pored over the ins and outs of a Democratic debate tailor-made for "Enquiring minds" earlier this week on ABC. Well guess who just happens to be coming to dinner...or This Week, this weekend?
Why none other than John McCain!
So in the spirit of seeing how all the candidates deal with "scandal," or just being queried about everyone they have associated with since that 6th grade teacher who crossed the street against a red light (do you denounce her Senator Obama? Denounce and reject her!?! Or perhaps just reject?), here are some questions that John McCain should be asked on your show this weekend, Mr. Stephanopoulos (sorry, old habit from when I had you as a professor at Columbia).
First a great list I came across, and then a few of my own I found in my research for my book The Real McCain. This list is from Perrspectives, a fantastic compilation, in my always humble opinion:
1. Do you agree with Pastor John Hagee that war with Iran is the fulfillment of biblical prophecy? In February, you shared a stage with Pastor John Hagee and said you were "very proud" to have his endorsement. You also called the Reverend Rod Parsley, a man who said of Islam "America was founded, in part, with the intention of seeing this false religion destroyed", your "spiritual guide." Do you believe America's mission is to destroy Islam? Do you join Pastor Hagee in believing the United States must attack Iran to fulfill the biblical prophecy of Armageddon in Israel in which 144,000 Jews will be converted to Christianity and the rest killed? Is that why you joked about "bomb bomb Iran?" If not, why will you not renounce the support of Hagee and Parsley?
2. Doesn't your legendary temper make you too dangerous to be trusted with the presidency of the United States?Your anger, even toward friends and allies, is legendary. You purportedly dropped the F-Bomb on your own GOP colleagues John Cornyn and Chuck Grassley. In the book, The Real McCain, author Cliff Schechter claims you got into a fist-fight with your fellow Arizona Republican Rick Renzi. Allegedly, you even publicly used a crude term, one which decorum and the FCC prohibit us from even saying on the air, to describe your own wife. Which if any of these episodes is untrue? Don't your anger management problems make you too dangerously unstable to be president of the United States?
3. Doesn't your confusion regarding basic facts about the war in Iraq, including repeatedly citing a nonexistent Al Qaeda-Iran alliance, make you unfit for command? On four occasions in one month, you confused friend and foe in Iraq by describing Sunni Al Qaeda as being backed by Shiite Iran. Then you showed a misunderstanding of the U.S. chain of command when you claimed you would not back shifting forces from Iraq to Afghanistan "unless Gen. [David] Petraeus said that he felt that the situation called for that," a decision which Petraeus himself told you and your Senate colleagues only the week before rests not with him but with his superiors. Doesn't your lack of understanding and judgment when it comes to basic facts of America's national security disqualify you as commander-in-chief?
4. Given your past adultery, should Americans consider you a moral exemplar of family values? You are the nominee of a Republican Party which claims to support so-called "family values." Yet you commenced an adulterous relationship with your current wife Cindy months before the dissolution of your previous marriage to your first wife Carol. Should Americans consider you to be a moral exemplar of family values?
5. Doesn't your flip-flop on Jerry Falwell being an "agent of intolerance" show your opportunistic pandering to the religious right? In 2000, you famously called the late Jerry Falwell "an agent of intolerance," a statement which may have cost you the decisive South Carolina primary. But as you ramped up your next presidential run in 2006, you embraced Falwell and gave the commencement address at his Liberty University. When Tim Russert asked that spring if you still considered him an agent of intolerance, you said, "'no, I don't." Why shouldn't the American people consider you a flip-flopping opportunist who cynically courted the religious right to further your 2008 presidential ambitions?
6. Given your wealth and privileged upbringing, aren't you - and not Barack Obama - the elitist? You have called Barack Obama an elitist. Yet you recently returned to your exclusive private high school, one which now costs over $38,000 a year to attend. Your wife is the heiress to a beer distribution company, reputedly owns 8 homes and has a net worth well over $100 million. Your children all attended private schools, academies which also happened to be the primary beneficiaries of funds from your supposed charitable foundation. Shouldn't the American people in fact view you as the elitist, and a hypocritical one at that?
7. What is your religion, really? And has the answer in the past changed as the South Carolina primary approached? I want to ask about your seemingly ever-changing religious beliefs. In June 2007, McClatchy reported, "McCain still calls himself an Episcopalian." In August 2007, as ABC reported, your campaign staff identified you as "Episcopalian" in a questionnaire prepared for ABC News' August 5 debate. But as the primary in evangelical-rich South Carolina neared, in September 2007 you said of your religious faith, "It plays a role in my life. By the way, I'm not Episcopalian. I'm Baptist." But in March 2008, Pastor Dan Yeary of your North Phoenix Baptist Church refused to comment on why you have refused to finally undergo a baptism ceremony. Congressional directories still list you as an Episcopalian. In the past, you've said, "When I'm asked about it, I'll be glad to discuss it." So what is your religion? And couldn't Americans be forgiven for assuming your changing faith is tied to your changing political needs?
8. Didn't President Bush betray you with his signing statement on the Detainee Treatment Act? You claim to be against torture, but aren't you a hypocrite for voting "no" on the Senate waterboarding ban? You've said that "we can't torture or treat inhumanely suspected terrorists we have captured". And in December 2005, you famously reached a compromise with President Bush on the Detainee Torture Act banning cruel, inhuman, and degrading treatment of detainees. But just two weeks later, President Bush issued a signing statement making it clear he would ignore the compromise you just reached. Then in February 2007, you voted "no" on a Senate bill banning waterboarding. Isn't it fair to say President Bush betrayed you with his December 30, 2005 signing statement? And isn't it fair to say you caved to the right-wing of your party on the issue in order to win the Republican nomination?
9. Why did you flip-flop on the Bush tax cuts you twice opposed? Why do you now support making them permanent for the wealthiest Americans who need them least? You twice voted against the Bush tax cuts. Now you support making them permanent. In 2001, you said, "I cannot in good conscience support a tax cut in which so many of the benefits go to the most fortunate among us at the expense of middle-class Americans who need tax relief." Now, according to the Center for American Progress, your tax plan would cost more than $2 trillion over the next decade and "would predominantly benefit the most fortunate taxpayers, offering two new massive tax cuts for corporations and delivering 58 percent of its benefits to the top 1 percent of taxpayers." Isn't it true that you flip-flopped on the Bush tax cuts? Isn't it fair to say that you now favor a massive expansion of the federal budget deficit in order to fund a tax giveaway to the wealthiest Americans who need it least?
10. With the economy tanking, shouldn't Americans be concerned over your past statements that "the issue of economics is not something I've understood as well as I should?" Americans consistently report that the economy is the issue that concerns them most. Yet more than once, you proclaimed your ignorance when it comes to the economy. In November 2005, you told the Wall Street Journal, "I'm going to be honest: I know a lot less about economics than I do about military and foreign policy issues. I still need to be educated." Then in December 2007, you admitted, "The issue of economics is not something I've understood as well as I should." Shouldn't the American be worried about President McCain's ability to lead the United States out of recession? Given your past statements, shouldn't the American reject out of hand your claim that "I know the economy better than Senator Clinton and Senator Obama do?"
All of these are fantastic questions, now let me add two from The Real McCain:
11) How can you call yourself a straight-talker in light of the fact that you have changed your positions or rhetorically flip-flopped on the following issues: Abortion, Creationism in science class, immigration, intervention abroad, tax cuts for the wealthy, civil unions, a Martin Luther King holiday, the Confederate Flag, the Christian Right, Bob Jones University, whether Rumsfeld did a good job, whether Dick Cheney is doing a good job, whether President Bush is an honest man, a Patient's Bill of Rights, global warming, campaign finance reform in general, public financing of campaigns specifically, lobbying reform, whether the War in Iraq would be "easy," whether Sunni and Shiite are working together, whether "Iraqi blood should be traded for American blood," military readiness, how many troops are necessary for the surge to succeed in Iraq, ethanol subsidies, the continuing existence of a minimum wage, closing the gun-show loophole, healthcare for children...and I could go on, but how about we start with those?
12) Finally, if Barack Obama must account for everyone he has ever passed within a 100 square mile radius of, then here are some associations you might want to explain, with the indicted, the white supremacists and the downright corrupt: Rick Renzi (indicted), Terry Nelson (racist ads against Harold Ford in 2006), Trent Lott (pining for a Strom presidency), The Wyly Brothers (corrupt), Bob Perry (Chief Swift Boater), Richard Quinn (white supremacist), Rev. Richard Land (homosexual hate), Ken Blackwell (Ohio election suppression), Charlie Black (lobbyist and according to John Gorenfeld's new book, Bad Moon Rising, Reverend Moon lover). That would be a start.
I don't write this to pile on Mr. Stephanopoulos. I have usually found you to be a fair-minded host. Yet, if you are to right the wrongs of that debate, please give equal time, and make John McCain answer for aspects of his political career which are much more relevant than a flag lapel pin to whether he or Barack Obama would make a better president.
So I wrote a book. You know, because I had nothing better to do for those nine months. And because John McCain is more dangerous than Mel Gibson at a briss.
A new book by liberal writer and political consultant Cliff Schecter lays out a detailed blueprint for how Dems can mine presumed GOP presidential nominee Sen. John McCain's political and personal past—including already well-documented incidents of his temper—to defeat him in the fall.
Not too shabby, for a thirty-something, suburban dad like me. The problem is that on a few stories I broke, where McCain referred to his wife as something that rhymes with "runt," and let out his inner pugilist by punching Rick Renzi (in his defense, it was Rick Renzi), I did that crazy thing that right-wing bloggers and the MSM never do! I relied upon thoroughly vetted, 100% credible, yet anonymous sources.
How dare I!?! Because, I have this friend named Max Bernstein, and his dad Carl, well, he never broke a story infinitely more important than this one using anonymous sources. Never. Although, if you watch John McCain's non-denial denial closely here, you might actually see the exact moment when John McCain realizes he's lying.
And he was able to pull all that together after only two cups of Sanka! Wowsers.
Hazelbaker was caught here at Blue Jersey last year engaged in a variety of blogospheric no-no's. For one thing, she was engaged in an astroturfing campaign to make it seem as if there was a groundswell of Democratic disaffection with Senator Menendez's candidacy. To top it off, she did this by sockpuppeting, or creating a number of Blue Jersey accounts with which to post comments along the same theme.
So there you have it! A woman who is a proven liar is calling me a liar. After much thoughtful consideration, I think I'll choose to believe...me.
Well what a week to be a Senator! First you get to reject that relatively recent concept of Habeas Corpus, you know the one that came in with Disco. Then you get to tell soldiers that aren't members of your family that the wacked notion of wanting to spend as much time at home as you do in Iraq taking fire for Bush's folly is simply insane. And finally, you get to pressing matters such as condemning a television ad, and 22 moronic Democrats fall for it, while the wide-stanced troglodytes of the GOP get to laugh so hard they fall out of their closets.
Sometimes I wonder if I went into the wrong profession.
** I apologize for the shortened length of this piece and my sparse posting lately. I have been busy over at Brave New Films where I have a new(ish) gig, so please come on by and I will continue to write my Friday satire pieces here as often as possible :)
To be loved. That’s all David Vitter wanted. Why, a staunch supporter of “family values” like Mr. Vitter can only do what one would expect of him, and share those cherished values with the lovely ladies of DC. He couldn’t help it, Katrina chased all the good tail out of New Orleans and Lucianne Goldberg wasn’t reachable by cell that night. I mean, give the guy a break! What’s a man of such “bedrock” principles to do?
Yes, Republicans and prostitutes. They go together like Ben and Jerry. Butch and Sundance. Norm Coleman and a roach clip. But there are many other of our species Republicans don’t react so well to — and I’m not just talking about people who don’t require greenbacks for copulation in general. Specific groups of people, like veterans, firefighters and pretty much anyone not whiter than a Klan rally in Utah during a snowstorm.
And those wily Republicans sure did have their trouble with many of these folks this past week. For example:
1) Rudy Giuliani must be one of the dumbest human beings to ever run for president. Which of course means he has an advantage among those who tend to vote Republican, who see holy matrimony between cousins and building a counter-terrorism center in the only place in New York to ever have previously been hit by a foreign terrorist as a crafty plan (is that terrorists that never strike the same place twice?).
As you may know, the firefighters of New York are much smarter than that, so they put together a short video showing how Rudy was not only not the hero of 9/11, but just a guy with a comb-over that began in Newark and ended in Oswego, whose stupidity got many New Yorkers killed. One could see why a Republican would currently see that as a qualification for becoming their next Decider.
2) Then there’s McCain. Was it the gay sweater that did you in? The campaign manager who likes to jam phones in New Hampshire, hang out with Jack Abramoff and illegally funnel corporate money to Texas? Or perhaps was it the flip-flopping on everything and embracing Christian preacher-fascists as guys to drink tea with and discuss how to navigate around this compact-disc shaped Earth of ours?
3) Don’t forget Iraq. How many Republicans have spent the week literally running away from cameras like they were their constituents, or abstinence education chasing David Vitter? What gutless cowards. Well they don’t call it Iraq Summer for nothing. Get ready for a summer of love guys.
No need to check and make sure terrorists, criminals and children don’t get their hands on high-caliber weaponry.
These gun nuts are to reason what Lindsay Lohan is to driving or Dick Cheney is to lipid-free arteries. It’s time to put the extremist NRA in its place.
Showing up in a hand-me-down cocktail dress that is sold with a free pregnancy test, the mustachioed minx arrived on Hardballto bring her special brand of death-threat humor to a tv near you (where was Rupert M. with the first invite? Is Fox starting to snooze when it comes to booking their base?).
Now I know it was as much fun for all of us as it was for you, but just remember Ann, if we had the universal healthcare you deride you would likely get some of the help you so desperately need. We can also help you get legal advice when liberals act so "mean to you" and, you know, respond to your hatred. Sadly, however, medical science cannot yet provide a conscience or the ability to convince a man to stay with you past sunrise. Good luck on that stuff, though.
Here are some of the other fun nuggets I learned this week:
1) Rudy Giuliani understood the terrorist threat when Bill Clinton didn't after the 1993 World Trade Center bombing. That is why he never mentioned terrorism. Didn't know who Osama bin Laden was. And Put the counterrorism center in the only place that had actually been attacked: The freakin WORLD TRADE CENTER.
Rudy do you really want to run on this? You're to counterterrorism what Lindsay Lohan is to driving or Dick Cheney is to eating vegetables. There is a reason the firemen hate you, you jackass. Let me put this in a way a blunt man like you can understand. Your negligence in not replacing faulty radios GOT THEM KILLED. You get that, America's "cousin-kissing, serial-marrying, Bernie-Kerik-promoting, Oxycontin-pushing" Mayor?
2) New England Republicans just suck something awful. Hey Sunununununu, you can jam every phone in the Northern Hemisphere this time and you're still going to get your ass handed to you. 29% support in the polls? 1% of Democrats voting for you (although, in fairness, with the margin of error, it could be like -3%).
And Susan Collins, how does it feel to have Joe Lieberman raise money for you--when he's not watching protesters almost die in his office--and have progressive groups outraise you to give to a real leader in Rep. Tom Allen? It's going to be really, really lonely--like Bill O'Reilly when the corner falafel stand is closed lonely--for the New England Republican caucus soon (Olympia and Judd, table for two!).
Well that's it for our fun trip through GOP dementia this week. Tune in next week, when Senators Jim DeMint and David Vitter will have probably erected a wall on the Senate floor to separate themselves from Senators Salazar and Martinez.
This past week was a doozy, during which I very much enjoyed attending the Take Back America conference, and for my troubles being called everything from "dangerous to our Democracy" to "Mao's secret little helper" by Republicans who think secret camps, illegal wiretaps and hush-hushing IMs from the Republican Michael Jackson are apparently equivalent to writing the Federalist Papers.
Not to mention sad-sack, power-leaking mainstream media journo-monkeys who just hate the netroots because, like, we actually base our opinions and reporting on wacky things like facts. We're as bad as the Bush Administration, splattered Joe Klein.
I provided my usual cautious response to Little Man Hate on Sam Seder's show this past Sunday.
Yet, without further ado, I will get to the didactic nature of my weekly encounters with the GOP:
1) Byron York, as many of you may be aware, is a writer of pathetically stupid books like The Vast Left Wing Conspiracy, which is neither vast, nor often left-wing and only beginning to resemble an inkling of a conspiracy. But he had to try and sell books somehow, assuming autographed pictures of his circa 80s, Don Johnson 'do don't bring in the big bucks.
In any case, he was at Take Back America, and repeated the lie that people there booed the troops during Senator Hillary Clinton's speech. But hey, he's a Republican, and they lie like he uses LA Looks on his dreamy locks. So I guess it is to be expected.
2) Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Losing that tough-on-crime cred quickly, are we? First there was Capo Kerik on his payroll. One would have thought that would be bad enough. But I guess Kerik got lonely being the only Attica-bound member of Rudy's crew. So Rudy made sure to add the Scarface of South Carolina, and as he is a Republican, a possible pedophile for good measure.
Who knew that a man could make marrying his cousin look like one of his classier acts?
3) President Bush at 26%?!? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Nice legacy, Decider. You think Gordo Liddy would still think your "manhood" was leaping forth in that flight suit as he did way back when? My guess is there is some shrinkage going on. But hey, you're still three points above Nixon when he was leaving office with roughly the same approval rating as Idi Amin. So dare to dream Sergeant Shultz, dare to dream.
4) Finally, there's Ralph Nader. Not a Republican you say? Yeah, whatever. Ralphie is missing the press attention again, so apparently he is thinking about running again. Sure Ralph, you've not done enough damage to this country and tarnished your legacy completely. It sure would have sucked having a President Gore in office the past 6.5 years. (I'm suspecting 27 million Iraqis aren't loving Mr. Nader much nowadays either.)
Isn't there a reality show you could go on, maybe with fellow chump Bloomberg, and every other "Independent" who is supported by GOP money? Or a car with a bad transmission in Zambia you can go see about? Or a wax museum somewhere with an opening? Or another country where you can help elect a despot who will systematically trash everything you claim to have once believed in? I hear Russia is thinking about new elections - communism, what's old is new again, Ralphie!
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: I have joined filmmaker Robert Greenwald in starting a new site for progressive original-content video. It can be found at Brave New Films. Please come by, join and make us a daily visit. We are adding to a missing piece of progressive infrastructure I dare say, and we need your support to make it a success.
Republican debates turn up so many interesting factoids. For example did you know that God created the Heavens and Earth? Amazing. The first 25 times they say that, it is still hard to digest, but by the 26th time, I felt I understood where they were coming from. I was still left pondering a few small items, however...
For example, did Rudy find God between his first and second wife, between his second and third wife, or did he find God while he was ignoring requests to make police and fire personnel radios compatible pre-9/11? You know, just to have an accurate chronology of ecclesiastical events. I'm sure, however, that God respects Senator McCain for the fact that he wants us to "win" in Iraq, because using the terminology sixth graders do to resolve a kickball game seems like the kind of thing God would be more interested in than, say, American soldiers and civilians in Iraq living to see their next birthday.
And it's also good to know that the same God who created us would want to torture our fellow human beings with no proof that they've done a thing wrong, and he'd especially want us to preemptively nuke Iran (though perhaps not on a Friday or Sunday, since we all know that Wednesdays are the traditional scripture day for nuking millions of innocents). Finally, it is always good to have God's wisdom available, as God is surely the only being who can figure out what side Mitt Romney might come down on any particular issue on any given day (though WHICH God Romney is speaking for on a given day is hardly a given).
So what does being a Republican mean? Well once again here's what I have learned, give or take:
1) It means you believe in the rule of law. Illegal immigrants cannot just come here illegally! They have to wait their turn in line like everyone else, or get the hell out since they're all lawbreakers anyway. We are a nation of laws, after all, and the law must be respected! Oh yeah, and pardon Scooter Libby.
2) For FOXNews bossman Roger Ailes it means his organization is comparable to Al Qaeda. Maybe bin Laden will be on FOXNews Sunday soon. He could join the FOX All Stars. I mean let's face it, he really couldn't be any dumber than Brit Hume, and he and Brit could have a contest to see who's the bigger advocate of US troops remaining in Iraq (me, no ME!).
3) It means that because of certain "behaviors," like let's say getting the deep... deep.... deep tissue massage from hookers, shooting the front nine at St. Andews with Jack Abramoff and taking bribes from defense contractors, you're left to hope for one thing to regain power: Another 9/11.
They're just so cute when they wish for Americans to die for political gain, aren't they?
4) It means that when a woman is arrested for making faces at a dog, you need to ask yourself, why hasn't Rick Santorum been arrested yet? And what happens if your spouse is a dog? Just in case, better double-bolt the door, Secretary Chao.
5) Finally, it means if you're running the new Creationist museum and you need an actor to play Adam in a film on Eden... you might not want to pick a guy who enjoys abominating more than Ron Jeremy on E, Mark Foley on a page, or Gary Bauer on a female campaign aide with whom he did nothing wrong and that's why we've never heard from him again (come on, does anyone really think Bauer was fooling around with a woman?). Or almost as much as Fred Thompson.
For more of this mindless banter, go to the usual spot, cliffschecter.com
Well, while Republicans provided their usual plethora of preposterousness to report this week, your humble scribe--me--is buried under a series of papers, memos, interviews and the like, as I hand in a manuscript on some guy named McCain on Monday. It will be nice to take a day or two off from giving him flak, or is that flack? I am so very confused, when McCain's Hawkingesque attack dogs are not around to lecture me on spelling, when they actually do grammar much like Harriet Myers lawyers.
So in any case, a quickie this week, or as Rudy Guiliani calls it, "marriage," as I must go back to writing a good 5,000-7,000 words more on our favorite Baghdad market prowler named McCain.
Did you know he also, how shall we say this gently, knocked up his high school girlfriend and then married her only to leave her for a woman a quarter-century younger than he is? Thank God health care companies cover Cialis!
2) Being a Republican also means that when you have the choice of whether or not to renominate your indicted sitting governor, who pardoned virtually his whole corrupt administration, you do it. Meanwhile the Democrats reject corporate crony in their primary, and support a good-government progressive. That, my friends, can lead to some pretty crappy poll numbers, and bit of heartburn for your state's Don Corleone cum eighty-year-old-grandma-who-just-wet-herself looking party leader, Mitch McConnell.
But the rest of that crazy crew we've grown to love, the GOP, was up to their old tricks--not in a Randall Tobias kind of way--adding to the global warming problem with the methane shooting out of their pie holes. And sadly, many a Democrat joined them this week.
2) Being a Republican means you're allowed to be proud of your lesbian daughter's baby, and unlike everyone else who exercises the same rights you have, you'll actually be able to avoid the requisite warrantless wiretapping for moral crimes and subversion.
3) Being a Republican means you can look like Tanya Harding's trashier, theocratic twin, speak with the verbal dexterity of Jessica Simpson and possess the wisdom of a Bush twin post-Jagermeister body shots and still get to make decisions that impact the entire "Justice" Department.
4) Being a Republican means you get to vote in whatever precinct you want, because you're Ann Coulter, you didn't "abstain" with your friendly FBI agent and your Adam's Apple probably resides in another precinct anyhow.
5) Finally, being Republican and sadly in many cases a Democrat means you still choose to support a war and a befuddled lunatic in the White House whose combined approval ratings barely surpass those of David Koresh (let's face it, birds are publicly crapping on the President these days). But you do represent the will of the people, or just keep telling yourself that until primary season begins.
Yes my friends, once again that very same group of geriatric white men, looking an awful lot like a Helms family barbecue, assembled to offer various false nuggets of wisdom gleaned from years spent cheating on their wives, flip-flopping on the issues, and possessing beliefs more retro than Barbara Bush's hoop skirt collection.
This time the GOP presidential wannabes were in South Carolina, so I thought maybe they'd all pay tribute to Strom Thurmond and the glory days when you could bed the help without, you know, asking their permission or acknowledging your children. Yet, alas, they seem to have learned more from Trent Lott giving voice to his inner Klansman circa 2002.
But there were many other highlights this past half-fortnight. We learned that:
1) Being a Republican means you want to double the size of Guantanamo (Romney) - which I agree with on some level, as we all know that soon our prison system will be at excess capacity just housing members or The Bush Administration, Republicans in Congress, governors throughout the nation and various other GOPers seeking massages from hookers (not that there's anything wrong with it).
Now if you could only add Ted Nugent's music, Dennis Miller's jokes and Paul Wolfowitz' wet comb to the list of those to be added to solitary confinement, I might fully support this idea.
2) Being a Republican means you hate Ron Paul for raising questions about whether US foreign policy might have ticked off anyone anywhere in the world prior to 9/11, yet you love and miss the late grating Jerry Falwell who explicitly said we brought 9/11 upon ourselves.
3) Being a Republican means that for you a hospital - you know, that place you cut funding for, especially the ones serving our troops, so Ken Lay's wife can stretch to afford that fifth mansion - is a place where you want to force those in a persistent vegetative state to stay "alive" and allow those in a persistent criminal state to coerce signatures for laws that violate the Constitution.
4) Being a Republican means you spent more time on your photo-op walk through Baghdad than you actually do showing up to vote for a war you embrace more firmly than a 29-year old's neck in Don Sherwood's love nest.
This week once again proved that being a Republican means never having to say you're sorry. Whether you're The World Bank Madame, Paul Wolfowitz, still hanging onto your job by the tip of your saliva-crusted comb, an Attorney General so profoundly stupid that people are privately whispering Harrier Miers should have gotten the job or some idiot Texas Congressman quoting the founder of the Ku Klux Klan regarding the War in Iraq. Yeah, I know, I don't even have to make a joke about that last one.
Here's what else I discovered:
1) Being a Republican means you must "hate" the abortion but love the provider. It turns out Mayor Mobster-Lover and the wife he dumped on network TV gave to Planned Parenthood. As did Mrs. Romney. Oops. Kinda hurts that back story about being "personally opposed to abortion."
Meanwhile, John McCain, Sam Brownback and Fred Thompson have also flip-flopped on this issue, meaning for the National Right To Life Committee to find someone they can rely on--beyond this clique of mealy-mouthed circus clowns running for the GOP nomination--they're going to have to hope a strong whiff of embalming fluid and a promise to bring back the Three-Fifth's Compromise might just get Jesse Helms to jump into the race.
2) Being a Republican means that you're actually now motivating generals to retire so that they can do commercials pointing out your war policy sucks more than Dick Morris in a room full of Brit Hume's toes.
3) Being a Republican means that you have to create your own version of YouTube that will inevitably be hysterial, even though it's going to take more work than it did to get Mary Cheney pregnant (how DID she get pregnant?) to find anyone on your side who can come up with something remotely amusing.
4) Being a Republican means you probably voted for George W. Bush. Which means your only hope for emotional salvation is getting bitten by one of these squirrels and hoping you go quickly into that goodnight.
** Sorry a bit short my friends, manuscript due on June 1.
Well, that illustrious group of geriatric honkeys known as the Republican presidential wannabes disembarked last night in what is for them the political equivalent of Taj Mahal, The Torture Museum in Amsterdam and a night out in Bangkok trolling for "massages" all rolled into one: Ronnie's Library. Also known as The House That Illicit Funds From Iran-For-Hostages Built. So what did we learn from this inevitably regal event?
1) Being a Republican means not only that Bin Laden is "Wanted Dead Or Alive" but also that "Bin Laden Is Going To Pay And He Will Die" (Romney) and you'll "Follow Bin Laden To The Gates Of Hell" (McCain). Because among your atavistic-anthropoid base, talking like you're in a John Wayne movie makes up for the fact that you guys couldn't catch The West Nile Virus--while sunning on the banks of The Nile, in the Full Monty and more sweat-drenched than Bill Bennett dreaming about the Bellagio.
2) Being a Republican means 30% of your candidates for Leader Of The Free World (or so it used to be) don't believe in evolution, even though all you have to do is look at James Inhofe to know that Intellgent Design is simply not possible.
3) Being a Republican means you one day find yourself thinking, you know what, I need a massage. Should I go with the Swedish or perhaps the deep-tissue? Nah, I think I'll go with the hooker.
6) Being a Republican--ahem McCain--means the only Democrat you can think of to name to a cabinet position is Joe Lieberman, a guy who's not a Democrat, and has the same ridiculous position you have on the War in Iraq. But hey, you're a bipartisan guy who gets things done by working with the other side.
5) Being a Republican means you think it's a pretty good idea to send confidential Interior Department materials to a guy you met and "role-played with" on the Internet, but Democrats are the ones not to be trusted running our government.
6) Being a Republican means you absolutely detest the "culture of Hollywood." Even though if you'd played a drinking game last night for every time those silly sycophants on the stage mentioned Ronald Reagan, you'd have become Paula Abdul. You also slobber over the mere sight of the "Governator" in the audience and spend much of your time publicly fantasizing that lobbyist Fred Thompson will jump in the race and ride his white horse to victory, which is appropriate, because you believe black or Hispanic horses aren't quite up to the job anyhow.
In summary, you don't just embrace the "culture of Hollywood" for your party, Hollywood provides the only people anyone even likes in your party. And last night certainly did nothing to change that, at least among those of us who don't down Oxycintin like it's Cream Soda and shed our skin a half-dozen or so times a year.
Well, it's been a very enlightening week for me, as I have again become more erudite in the ways of the wily Republican. When one oberves them in their natural habitat of Washington--or at least their secondary one outside Attica--it is quite impossible not to come to a few general conclusions:
1) Being a Republican means blaming all of society's ills on liberalism, when most of them from IEDs to STDs can actually be be blamed on your political philosphy and/or Lucky Luciano-like personal life.
4) Being a Republican means being so unbelievably stupid as to put your counterterrorism center in the only location to have been attacked by terrorists already, in one of the largest cities in the world with endless choices for your HQ, and then inevitably watching it end up like every one of your marriages or our health care system. Oh yeah, and then it means you have the gall to question the other side on terrorist-prevention.
5) Being a Republican means you actually take five-deferment, drunk-driving, war-profiteering, serially-lying, cholesterol-snorting, Gorgon Dick Cheney seriously, even though he's about as coherent these days as a lobotomized Dan Quayle.
6) Being a Republican means having a kickin' case of priapism (see ED commericals if clarification is necessary) for endless war and cronyism while anyone lacking Haliburton stock options or a sweet pad in Kennebunkport is the equivalent of a "historical document" on an impending attack to Condi, to be ignored at all costs.
Another week where Republicans prove that they've become the party of marauding, molestation and intellectual mummification. As I am in the "final throes" of writing a manuscript on McCain--you know, your friendly Baghdad market-dweller--we'll have to keep the next few of these fun pieces brief. But a week like this certainly merits some comment. So, in any case, here's what I learned:
2) Being a Republican means using the word "we" to describe the fight in Iraq, even though the closest you've come to combat is sexually harassing the waitress at a Medieval-joust theme restaurant.
3) Being a Republican means having your office or home raided by the FBI, and showing said manliness by blaming it on your wife.
4) Being a Republican means still backing a president who has long since proven himself unable to speak English, but wanting to require everybody else to speak it by law.
Ahh, yes, the Republicans, leave it to them to solve any problem by creating more. If I didn't know better, I would almost think they didn't want goverment to work or something?
